So a couple people asked me recently if I "quit my
blog." To be honest, I didn't really know what to say back. Did I
quit? I don't often consider myself a quitter. Then I was like, "Oh
shit, did I quit?" Then, while still awkwardly talking to myself, I
realized that I did. I quit at a lot of things.
I quit spreading positivity the way that I had been for quite
some time. I quit following through on ALL my generous impulses, they
were becoming few and far between. I quit taking care of my body and my
mind to the best of my ability. I quit putting my best effort into all
of my relationships. I quit loving my body that I had worked so hard
for and started to find every flaw in it, again. I quit having that do
anything/go anywhere/seat of the pants attitude that I had honestly
grown to love. I quit giving and loving recklessly.
Why?
Well, I kinda lost hope. I told myself I
had it, and I smiled and told other people I did too, but I didn't. I
had plans, perfect plans, to start my perfect family with my perfect man
who I had been through so much with. But, it turns out my plans didn't
line up with anyone else's. My timeline was different than the one I
should have.
And that made me angry. Anyone who knows me well enough (especially my
husband) knows that if I want something I'll get it. I'll work for it,
persuade someone, I'll be persistent enough to get that thing that I
want. And up until now I've been able to do just that with hard work
and determination. Then this one thing comes along that I want so very
much and feel so very ready for and I can't have it. Other people can,
close friends of mine can, friends that I wanted to share the journey
with can…why can't I? And why can't I fight and be persistent and have
what I want when I want?
I sure as fuck don't know the answer, and that makes me angry
and resentful, but I'm doing my best to focus my energy on the things
that I
CAN control. To spend the time and effort on the
relationships that matter to me. To be the loving wife, daughter,
sister and friend I take pride in being. And maybe somewhere along the
way I'll find something else. Til then I'll just keep telling myself
there's a reason for it, and I'm sure there is and I just haven't seen
it yet. Kinda like that movie Frozen…I feel like I'm the last soul on
earth that hasn't seen that fucking thing. Can someone let me borrow
it?
