Motivation

So for as long as I can remember I've been motivated by anger.  That shit lights a fire under me and I feel like I have no choice but to succeed.  When I was a kid my dad would get into arguments with me on purpose before soccer games because when I was angry I'd play better.  Which was hilarious because I was a chunky kid with a fro and sports goggles (stay tuned for a #tbt post on that).  Can you imagine that much angry awkward coming your way in a soccer game when you're like 11.  Looking back I probably scared the hell outta some girls.  Sorry about that.

Anger in my professional life does the same thing for me.  Tell me I can't do something or that I'm doing something wrong and I will prove your ass wrong.  I'll do it right and do it on time.  Whatever "it" is, I'll make "it" my bitch.

What did it take for me to get serious about losing weight?  Well, I can tell you what didn't.  Looking back, I didn't seem to mind that I was tired all the time.  I would come home from work at my desk job and change into sweatpants and a sweatshirt (affectionately referred to as my "house coat" by my dear husband) and crash on the couch for the rest of the night.  Literally, entire days where the most strenuous thing I did was walk to and from my car.  I didn't seem to mind that I kept having to buy clothes because I was overflowing out of what I owned and felt horribly uncomfortable in it.  I didn't seem too bothered by the fact that I couldn't go on a hike with a group of friends without having to stop part of the way through and sit down because my fat ass felt like I was gonna pass out.  I ignored the hints (sometimes subtle, sometimes not so subtle) from my loved ones.  Red flag after red flag, I just turned the other cheek (a cheek that, at the time, was probably filled with a cookie).

2012 Chin Count: 2 vs 2013 Chin Count: 1

Eventually I started to realize how self conscious I was, how sad I was and fuck (!!!) how fat I was!  I got angry at the fact that what I did to myself was keeping me from enjoying my life, my family, my friends and most of all myself.  I got angry at the fact that no matter how many cute outfits I pinned on Pinterest, I'd always feel disgusting in them if I actually tried them on.  I started reading blogs about people who had been through much of the same and little by little that anger made something inside me snap.  Why'd it take so long?  I'm not sure.  But last Summer I started loving myself instead of hating myself.  I realized that I could do something about this "thing" that had made me, well, not myself anymore.  Denial is a powerful little thing, dammit.

So I joined my arch enemy the gym.  I bought workout clothes that actually fit me, cough cough XL's and more. I made playlists, I joined fitness groups online, I started talking about it, I set goals, I set a routine.  For once, I wasn't motivated by anger, I was motivated by my potential and by the the good things to come.  I'm motivated by the fact that we're going on a hike this weekend and I'm not horrified (I'll report back on that).  I'm motivated by the fact that I have more happy days than sad days, the fact that I can feel cute in an outfit, the fact that people want to be around me!  I'm motivated to start a family (at a healthy weight) and set an example for my future (obviously adorable and curly-haired) kids.  I'm motivated by someone saying, "I'm proud of you!" and by wanting to tell them (without sounding like a total self-absorbed bitch) that I'm proud of me too.

What motivates you?