Twice in One Day?! (that's what she said)

So, I had made a request for the BFF to write a guesty-type post and since that bitch is on Spring Break and from the looks of this, intoxicated/highly caffeinated, she womanned up and wrote it today!  You know that person that's been there for you for pretty much everything?  The one you wanna share stuff with as soon as you find out?  The one you notify 3-5 minutes after peeing on a stick (ha, fuck, it's happened to all of us)?  Yeah, that one, the best one.  I'd like to introduce you to my BFF, Brandy.

Isn't she cute? Sorry, she's taken.

Cue the music.  From 1999.  What It Feels Like When Worlds Collide by Powerman 5000.  Not a musical gem I like to claim I remember, you’ll learn I don’t remember much, so I like to toot my horn when something comes back to me.

That song will be playing through my head when I walk through Tara’s door for our now “often repeated, never duplicated” HHH.  This evening worlds will be colliding when I, my BFF’s “real life” old friend and her “blog-life” new friend meet.  She has updated you on the happy fact that she survived last night’s face-to-face, so I’m pretty confident that I’m going to be safe.  Because let’s be serious, I watch my fair share of whodunit cop shows, and I know how the criminal mind works.  Me and Mandy Patinkin.  Either way, I am looking forward to meeting this local chicky.

Tara asked me to do a guest post, and I have agreed.  I’m a little nervous how a “real lifer” will be received in the “blog-lifer’s” eyes.  But then I got over it and manned up, in an extremely feminine sort of way and sweated my deodorant off writing this thing.  And let’s be honest, I’m never going to start my own blog, so I’m hoping for a reoccurring guest role, like Paul Rudd to Phoebe, not a Ross to Rachel sort of thing.

 

Tara and I used to be pretty different.  We have grown more similar though as the years pass (damn fast, I might add). We were each other’s MOH’s (Yeah, you read the wedding post? I’m not a liar,  I was the “honorary MOH” who’s duties included but were not limited to babysitting locking myself out with the 4 family dogs while they were celebrating away…but I digress),we both could’ve served you an over-priced cup of coffee wearing an apron with a mermaid on it, we can make a mean cocktail and have varying degrees of undiagnosed OCD.  But the fact is, we started out enemies back in high school… where she was one of those Mean Girls Mama and Meg talk about.  But then I gave her and her cronies some healthy protein bars and settled that.  She wasn’t a mean girl, but she didn’t like me.  But dammit I’m nice.  So her. loss.  We actually became friends after high school (when karma seems to right all things… you’ve seen the current profile pics of “those” girls from high school….don’t even pretend that you aren’t giddy with evil delight when it’s obvious that karma caught ‘em) through my hubs, when we all worked together serving delicious overpriced beverages.

I’d say we started off pretty good, had some ups and downs, but she is a girl who I know can make me laugh and is always there for me.  Swoon.  Typically we carry on pretty ridiculous inappropriate banter, mostly based off of autocorrect, sweating at the gym, drinking, and our husbands.  Shh don’t tell them.  As I’m sure you can imagine as you get to know her on here, she’s pretty friggin hilarious.  I mean we, are pretty hilarious.  She really is as good as she seems!  If I continue to guest post, I will continue to give you Tara insight through a “real lifer’s” goldfish eyes.  Goldfish?  Yup that’s me.  Ever seen Finding Nemo?  I’m Dori.  Nice to meet you!  Now, back to what I was saying….?????

Oh! Tara and I.  I was there bearing witness to the “old” Tara. 
And man am I glad she’s gone <--really. 
I love her very much, but I am one of those annoying types that thinks you learn from everything, more so from your mistakes and tough times. It was sort of hard to be BFF’s with someone who wasn’t happy with herself.  I used to tell her how much she had to offer and how much I believed in her and her potential. But it wasn’t until she took charge of herself (man I sound like a self-help book, but it’s true!) and her FITNESS (not weight loss or number on the scale, I have lots of opinions on those, wait for that in The One Where Tara Asks Brandy to Write Again), that she really became AWESOME.  She was cool before and I really enjoyed her and she was still my best friend.  But now, she’s even better.  I tell her often how proud of her I am.  With the weight loss, sure.  But more so, the fact that she’s happy.  I can tell that with her hard work, she gets more and more easy going (maybe she’s just really tired?!) and fun.  I’m so happy that I’ve been there along the way :)

Thanks for reading my first-ever blog post.  Now I’m going to go and Febreze my shirt cuz dammit I was gonna wear this to meet the new girl!

In Case You Were Worried

I did NOT get catfished!  There's some good news!

I also didn't get shanked or roofied!  In fact, I had a really fun evening with a (hopefully) new friend that I have a ton in common with.  There were no awkward silences or foot in mouth moments, both of which are typically a challenge for me to avoid.

I'm pretty sure she was also texting people to say she was still alive. 

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to go on blind (girl) dates just for shits and giggles, that shit is stressful!  But I am glad to have met someone in such a random way and am stoked to still be alive to tell you about it.

I'd mention HHH but I'm currently hungover as shit and the thought of beers makes me want to vom.

Have a happy Friday!

Winner Winner + Worlds Collide!

First giveaway ever, yay!  Annnnnd the winner is…Heather G!  I emailed you to get your sizes and mailing address.  Congrats!

And for those of you that didn't win a sweet housecoat, head over to CIS Clothing and pick something out for yourself.  If you enter GI at checkout you can get 25% off!  I didn't win, so I'm heading over as soon as I'm done this post.  I haven't decided if I'm getting the Chicadora Vee or the Anchorette, maybe both?  What're youuu getting?

Speaking of shopping!  Yesterday after work I went to LOFT.  I hate the person that put my work and the LOFT shopping center so close together.  I also hate the daily emails I get where everything is fucking 40% off all the time.  As the hubs would say, "I couldn't afford not to do it!"  Haha so that's what I told him last night when I came home with an outfit a pair of jeans (which were a single digit size, yessss) and three shirts.  I also went and shared a couple Blue Moons with the BFF because who doesn't like an impromptu beer?

Fruit + beer = win

Soooo I think it's official.  My worlds are colliding.  My secret-ish blog world is colliding with my real life and I don't hate it.  I started this blog in an effort to open up and put myself out there, to inspire other people, to meet like-minded people and to try to be almost as awesome as some people that inspire me.  So for the most part I've kept this "new me" to myself.  The worlds started colliding when I got the text below from a friend after Brandi (aka Mama Laughlin) whored out my blog…

Notice she says, "And now I love you too." Whatever bitch.

Since then I got an email from a Maryland reader who happens to live like 10 minutes away!  Holy shit!  I was am slightly nervous about that one, especially since I'm meeting her for dinner and drinks tonight.  Ahhh blind-ish date.  It's not gonna be awkward, it's not gonna be awkard.  She's gonna read this, hi :)  She also promised not to shank me, and we're meeting in public so I think I'll be alright.  If you never hear from me again, it's because she lied about the shanking.  Next world collision came when I was introduced to another Marylander through a friend.  Turns out this one knows my soon-to-be sister in law who knows nothing about this little world (nor does my dear brother).  She'll find out eventually.  Let's keep that one our little secret for a bit, shall we?

Remember those couple Blue Moons I shared with the BFF?  Welp, on my way home from that I called my parents.  How many beers does it take to give your parents the url for your blog?  The one in which you gratuitously use the words fuck, shit, bitch, asshole, whore, pussy and dick, yep, that one.  Answer is ahem, two.  Yeah ok so I was nervous, and I warned them about the aforementioned words and the case of sailor mouth.  You know what though?  They're the most supportive people in the history of the world and I don't think that'll ever change.  They're also really forgetful – both have already texted this morning to ask for the name of the blog again.  That was my way out, shit, I blew it (twss).

Look how fucking cute they are!

Well, if this is what it's like when worlds collide I think I'm ok with it.  Happy Thursday and wish me luck on my notsoblinddatethatsboundtobemoreawesomethanitisawkward.

WIW + Hurr Did

Another weigh-in Wednesday in the books.   So it's not a stellar loss this week but I'll take it and I'll tell you why.  I sucked this past weekend!  I may have gotten a little cocky/hungry (that sounds awful).  On Saturday (brace yourself) I had a little cheeseburger from Five Guys for lunch and as if that wasn't bad enough I had Chipotle for dinner.  Then Sunday's mimosafest and bacon and cheese omelet were not the smartest choices.  I was really hoping to get into the 140's this week so I'm a little disappointed, but I did have some pretty major slipups.  I skipped hot yoga this week because I was a little more in the mood to do something a little harder (twss).  So I did legs at the gym.  I know I've said something about it before, but deal with it.  I'll never ever get sick of seeing a grown man lower the weight on leg press after I've been on it.  Makes me feel like a badass.  Feel like!  I'm far from actually being one.  I ammm pretty sure that wearing my new Ruffles with Love tanks make me work harder/look cuter at the gym though.

I did have small victory this week though.  Anyone familiar with the term "sharms"?  It's like cankles but combines shoulders and arms.  There's this one old picture that I fucking hate and I have sharms like no other.  So I put on the same dress the other day to check out the sharm situation and other than being pale as shit, I was pretty content.

Top: sharms vs Bottom: less sharms

As some would say, "Roots are for trees!" but luckily since I only get partial highlights and my hair is curly as shit you can't really notice the roots.  I don't think so anyway.  If you can, don't tell me and let me keep thinking 3 months between highlights is fine.  I'm growing my hair out and so far so good.  My badass hair girl and I (I have a girl crush on her) are on a mission to get my hair to look like Leona Lewis' hair (sometime next year?).  I showed my husband this picture and said, "What do you think of her hair?" and he answered, "She's hot."  So I think he likes it.

Sidenote, I wish I could give someone a couple bucks every morning to wash my hair/massage my head while I just sat there with my eyes closed, any takers?  I really like how it turned out!  It'll be nice once I'm not so pale and lifeless looking.  Hey mother nature, stop being such a whore and bring some warm weather, seriously.

 

Before (complete with creeper eyes)

After (no creeper eyes)

UPDATE! There's still time to enter last week's giveaway!  It ends at midnight!

Hope you you have an awesome (and sharmless) humpday!

Monday + Taming the Beast

Heyo!  Another weekend in the books.  Another HHH in the books.  Umm by the way I'm finding it pretty damn awesome that a few ladies have mentioned that they've started their own HHH's with their friends.  That makes me happy.

Proof that I don't drink alone at HHH!

It snowed this morning, happy fucking spring!  I didn't make it to the gym but spent some quality time with Jillian in the comfort of my own home.  I'm thinking I might skip hot yoga and just destroy the gym tonight after work, we'll see!  In other news, I managed not to die on Sunday while drinking bottomless mimosas, I call that a win.  Also, the hubs wanted to go on a drive to check out some river spots for canoeing/fishing this Summer, sooo we did.  Lucky for him I was drunk in an amazing mood and was beyond cooperative.  I thought it a good idea to take off my shoes, roll up my minty, once clean, pants and play on the river bank.  Yes, the water was freezing.  Yes, I looked like a moron.  Yes, it was an awesome day.  May have found some canoeing and fishing buddies too, bonus!!

As promised to you lovely instagrammers that comment on my hard to tame curls – I'll be walking you through a little hair styling action.  Don't get too excited, I use cheap hair products, I didn't own a hair dryer until last year and I still don't own a brush.  I'll most likely use incorrect terminology for the products/methods blah blah that I'll be mentioning, so good luck.  I did however take a lot of pictures!  If you don't like selfies, stop now, I warned you.  Also, it's a long one (twss).

Annnnd here we go.  So, when I was younger I looked like a boy had short hair, mostly because I was a huge fucking tomboy didn't know what to do with it otherwise.  Since those incredibly awkward days I've grown to like my hair and more or less learned to deal with it, haha, that makes it sound like a disease.  I don't hate it – I actually kind of love it.  My biggest battle over the years has been finding products that don't get discontinued and aren't too expensive.

The current arsenal.

A lot of what I do takes place in the shower (twss).  You all know how to shampoo and condition your hair, so do that (I shampoo every other time).  I leave the conditioner in for a while, my hair loves it.  This typically results in what the hubs calls, "Hollywood showers."  With the conditioner still in, run a wide toothed comb through it (or use your fingers, whatev).  This next part sucks but is super worth it.  Turn off ALL your hot water and let the water get crazy ice cold, if you're not an idiot you'll move your body out from under that stream and just dunk your head into it.  It's still fucking cold and sometimes I get a brain freeze from it, but it helps separate my curls so I don't look like some kinda hippie with dirty ass dreads.  So rinse, wring the water out as much as you can (you're still showering at this point) and flip your head upside down and give it a shake.  Then take that third thing in the picture, it's like smoothing cream or something like that, or whatever you can find that's similar.  Flip your head back over and let your crazy hair make its own part, then take a squirt of the smoothing cream and distribute it around kinda loosely, avoiding your roots for the most part.  Go back upside down and use another squirt of smoothing cream to make sure you get all the way to the tips of the curls.  Now wrap that damp mane in a turbie twist, yep the infomercial kind.  Will you look like a douche?  Yup.  Did I skip taking a picture of me in the damn thing?  Yup.  Leave it up in the towel for 15-20 minutes (or 2, whatever you have time for).  Take it out of the towel, shake upside down and you'll probably look like a wet dog…see below.

Told ya, wet dog. My head looks enormous.

Now spray the shit out of it with the heat protector spray and some kind of spray gel.  Why spray gel?  Because the less you touch your hair between now and when it's dry the better it'll look.  I've got a no touch policy.  Use a hair dryer with a diffuser.  No diffuser = a lotta fuckin frizz.  Frizz is the enemy.

The bigger the better (twss).

Now turn your head upside down and start blowin (get your mind out of the gutter).  I usually put it on low so it's not too windy.  Wind is also the enemy.  Wind + curls = frizz.  Now don't get all bouncy with the drying.  Pick a chunk (I usually break mine into 4) and just let the dryer push the curls up toward your head and sit there for a few minutes.  Then move to the next chunk.  Keep repeating until your hair is relatively dry.

It'll be a bit crunchy, it's cool – we'll fix it.  Flip your head back over and don't be alarmed, it's gonna look ridiculous.

A bit ridiculous looking.

Now let it sit there for a minute, don't run your fingers through it or anything too drastic.  Flip it back upside down and scrunch it, lift up your roots a bit with your fingers, basically just try to make it uncrunchy without making it frizzy.

Ta-da!

I don't know why I took a closeup.

Any questions?  I tried to be pretty thorough.  Sorry if you have straight hair and didn't give a fuck about this post.  But hey, the good news is you still have time to go over and enter in the CIS giveaway for a brand new housecoat (sweats and tee) that I promise you'll love.  And you can still use the code GI to get 25% off at checkout when you shop at CIS Clothing.  I'll announce the winner winner chicken dinner on Thursday, good luck to ya!

Hope your Monday's as awesome as it can be for being a Monday!

Throwin' it Back (to last week) + My First Giveaway!

So it's Throwback Thursday.  Are there rules on that?  Do I have to throw it back more than a few days?  No?  Good.

I started my blog on February 1st and it's been stupid fun!  I've already had the pleasure of guest posting on this fancy bitch's blog and I've had the support of a handful of people that have linked up.  I've tried to do it in return.  Either way, pretty damn cool.

Well, last week my pimp whored me out to some of her readers in an effort to get me to 100 followers so I could do the giveaway I wanted.  She's kind of a big deal, so it worked in my favor!

And now, the moment you've all I've been waiting for, my first giveaway!  I paired up with my good friend Andrew at Circle in a Square clothing to get you a sweet new housecoat with a nice little beachy vibe to lounge around in.  He designs and hand prints everything he sells and it's all comfy, cozy and amazing quality printed on American Apparel clothing.  Enter to win a little package consisting of the Sandy's BF Vee and the Storm Surge Sweats.  And when you win and say you want to, "slip into something more comfortable," you won't be fucking around.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

And because Andrew's also ridiculously awesome, he's giving my readers 25% OFF!  
Just enter GI at checkout to get your discount!

Good luck!  And show CIS some love!


Happy Thursday, next week I'll do a real throwback, promise!

WIW + A Rhetorical Rant

Happy hump day!  It was a nice little week, complete with two-a-day workouts on Monday and Tuesday to get my week off started right.  Apparently those paid off because I'm down another 2.2 lbs this week!  I want the 140's like I want one of the Ryans (Gosling or Reynolds, I'm not picky) to say my name.

Ignore my unpainted sausage toes, bitch.

Despite this morning's scale cooperation, I woke up ridiculously fucking grumpy and got in a sweet fight with my roommate (that's what I call the hubs when we're fighting). I did get up and go to the gym, which always helps, but I'm just not feeling today.

I'm asking a lot of questions in here.  Out loud.  To no one.  They're rhetorical.  Just ignore the gratuitous use of question marks.

You know how one shitty thought leads to another, and another, and yes...another? Well this crap morning has had me asking myself, "How the fuck do you think you're gonna be a mom if you feel like you can't get your own shit together?" And I ask myself that, often.  My roommate (yep) and I have talked about trying to start a family this summer and while I'm ecstatic about it I can't help but doubt my "mommy skills."  I went from doing everything for him (because I needed to make up for having "let go" of course) to doing everything for ME (and loving it, I might add). What's gonna happen when it's not all for me anymore?  Will I bet upset or resentful if I can't make it to the gym or if I can't have my much needed once-a-week HHH?

The way things are now I'm overwhelmed, I'm stressed, I feel like I'm stretched paper thin. I go to work, I work out, I do freelance work, I cook, I clean (those last two might be debatable with my roomy. our house is filthy).  How in the fuck does anyone have time to add something to that list?!?! Oh yeah, in addition to all those things, I mother. Then holy shit when there are multiples?! And what about when the kids outnumber the parents?! Our preferred kid # is between 2 and 3 so the possibility of being outnumbered is high horrifying.

Babies are the same as dogs, right?

It's normal to be terrified about this, right?  My "mommy skills" would take over and everything would fall into place, right?  I keep telling myself that my new found happiness and energy will keep me active when the time for kids comes.  And maybe it will, but what if there's just no time?  Oh and did I mention I'm a planner/worrier/etc?

Outfit of the day. Real brown. But I'm down.

In other news, check out the sweet blog blockage at a friend's workplace.  I consider this one a fuckin success!

Winning. Sorry you have to read on your phone buddy.

I need a drink.  Happy hump day.

Meteorologist Monday

So I think I can be a meteorologist, no seriously.  I know that my training is in the arts, but surely I could look at some computer model with blues and purples and predict things incorrectly all the time.  I'll consider the career change, but for now I'll just be bitter toward all meteorologists that falsely predict weather and give me false hope for a snow day.  I hate you.  Rant over.

Happy freakin Monday.  I could've used an extra day this weekend.  I'm just extra sleepy and I can't even blame the Irish, wish I could, wish I could.

Friday – HHH was a success!  Tried the highly recommended moscato + frozen strawberries blended combo.  A few observations I'd like to make:
• That shit is delicious.
• Adding raspberries, also tasty.
• Even works with frozen pineapple.
• My freezer is now void of frozen fruit.
• My head hurt. Like. A. Sugary. Motherfucker. the next morning.
Will I make it again?  Hell yes.  Will I wait long enough to forget how shittastic I felt when I woke up the next morning?  Absolutely.  On the menu this week = Bud Light.

Saturday was kind of a womp womp day.  Not too much excitement in the household.  BUT, if you're following me on instagram, you may have seen my new-jeans-obligatory-ass-shot.  Ok, so I was down to 1 pair of regular jeans and 1 pair of jeggings that I could wear comfortably.  I realized lately that I've been having a serious case of sag ass in the regular jeans.  I'm talkin pull those bitches up to the bellybutton just to have them hug the butt cheeks.  I got kinda sick of that so I convinced bribed the hubs (all it takes is a little beef jerky) to go to TJ Maxx and look for some jeans with me.  So the sag assers are a size 14, so I grabbed some size 10's to go try on and holyhell they were all too big!  So I went back out and ventured into the 8 section, I was secretly super excited, don't tell anyone.  So I ended up finding some off brand dark jeans that fit me quite well and didn't give me the dreaded muffin top.  They were also $18.  Needless to say, I was thrilled.  Saturday night ended up being a night in with the hubs watching Skyfall and eating popcorn + M&M's.  What's that?  You haven't tried it?  You haven't lived.

Naturally, I wore those new bastards to brunch on Sunday at the rents' house.  They were part of my mimosa drinking uniform.  I only allowed myself to drink 2 mimosas, one for me and one for my homie who's spring break was coming to a close.  Those were only allowed because I went to body pump pre-brunch.  That cancelled out the bacon, sausage, bagel + cream cheese and butter cookies I ate, right?  Awesome, thought so.  Sidenote: the Sunday morning body pump instructor at the gym sucks a big one, sounds satanic when she says "seven" and says "melt" too much in my opinion.  She also encourages us to "just skip reps" if we can't keep up.  Alright you sucky ass motivator.  Anyhoo, brunch was a good time.  For once, it wasn't me getting the hammertime award.  This time it went to my dear husband.  Don't worry big guy, I won't post the pictures of you I took while you were curled up on the couch in the fetal position in all your clothes at 5pm.  It was adorable.

Hope y'all had a good weekend too!  Here's the ol' outfit of the day.

Happy Mondayyyyy!