Did ya quit?

So a couple people asked me recently if I "quit my blog."  To be honest, I didn't really know what to say back.  Did I quit?  I don't often consider myself a quitter.  Then I was like, "Oh shit, did I quit?"  Then, while still awkwardly talking to myself, I realized that I did.  I quit at a lot of things.

I quit spreading positivity the way that I had been for quite some time.  I quit following through on ALL my generous impulses, they were becoming few and far between.  I quit taking care of my body and my mind to the best of my ability.  I quit putting my best effort into all of my relationships.  I quit loving my body that I had worked so hard for and started to find every flaw in it, again.  I quit having that do anything/go anywhere/seat of the pants attitude that I had honestly grown to love.  I quit giving and loving recklessly.

Why?

Well, I kinda lost hope.  I told myself I had it, and I smiled and told other people I did too, but I didn't.  I had plans, perfect plans, to start my perfect family with my perfect man who I had been through so much with.  But, it turns out my plans didn't line up with anyone else's.  My timeline was different than the one I should have.  And that made me angry.  Anyone who knows me well enough (especially my husband) knows that if I want something I'll get it.  I'll work for it, persuade someone, I'll be persistent enough to get that thing that I want.  And up until now I've been able to do just that with hard work and determination.  Then this one thing comes along that I want so very much and feel so very ready for and I can't have it.  Other people can, close friends of mine can, friends that I wanted to share the journey with can…why can't I?  And why can't I fight and be persistent and have what I want when I want?

I sure as fuck don't know the answer, and that makes me angry and resentful, but I'm doing my best to focus my energy on the things that I CAN control.  To spend the time and effort on the relationships that matter to me.  To be the loving wife, daughter, sister and friend I take pride in being.  And maybe somewhere along the way I'll find something else.  Til then I'll just keep telling myself there's a reason for it, and I'm sure there is and I just haven't seen it yet.  Kinda like that movie Frozen…I feel like I'm the last soul on earth that hasn't seen that fucking thing.  Can someone let me borrow it?