Hold On

So while I did participate in weigh-in Wednesday, I didn't do a post about it.  Why you might ask?  Because I stayed exactly the same.  Because I've been in a funk this week.  And because I've felt like a damn zombie the past few days.

I've had a few days where I kinda feel like a Negative Nancy, Debbie Downer, Sour Sarah, Moody Judy, you get it.  I pretty much feel like someone shit in my cheerios.  Since I started this whole journey I've wanted to surround myself with positive people.  I've wanted to focus my time on the people who will encourage me, who will play a positive role in my life and who make it worthwhile for me to put the effort in.  My whole mentality is going fairly well but I've had a few slip ups lately. 

Sometimes you feel a certain way for so long that it's almost impossible not to go back to it.  I grew up feeling like I wasn't good enough.  I felt like I was the friend that "tried harder" and the one that wanted to be friends with someone more than they wanted to be friends with me.  I used to buy things or do things for my friends because I thought it would make them like me better.  I  had "friends" that were my "friends" so that I would do their Spanish hw (hijos de puta) or so that they could date my brother (none succeeded thank you very much).  How shitty of a feeling is that when all you want is someone to have fun with, someone to talk to and share your earth shattering meaningless middle/high school drama with and you feel like you have to buy em?  Pretty shitastic.

Fast forward many years and many failed friendships later and I've pretty much let go of those terrible ideas.  Thinking people want to be my friend only because I'm useful for things or because I'm the butt of the joke.  I have some incredibly close and special people in my life that I know are or never will be that, but what about the new ones?  I've made a point to give new friendships 100% until I'm given a reason not to.  And usually I do, but sometimes those long-ago feelings creep back in and I'm not able to trust someone.  I doubt that someone would want to be my friend just because they think I'm great.  Surely there has to be an underlying reason and I must figure it out.  So that's where I've been this week, trying to convince myself that I'm not worth it.  See, told ya, someone totally shit in my cheerios.

So I'm trying to get back to the level of confidence where I can tell myself I'm good enough and worth it and all that other good stuff.  Until then I'll probably continue on my roller coaster of sad/mad emotions and say, "Nothing." when my husband asks me what's wrong (sorry sweets).  Give me a minute to get my shit together.  It's currently all over the fucking place.  And raise your hand if you'd like a formal invite to my pity party.

Hmph.

Permascowl.

Someone once told me…

I know this pain
Why do lock yourself up in these chains?
No one can change your life except for you
Don't ever let anyone step all over you
Just open your heart and your mind
Is it really fair to feel this way inside?